Desire Discrepancy Meaning, Signs, and Solutions From a Sex Therapist

Jun 5

A Black couple sharing an intimate moment, representing the connection and communication that sex therapy helps couples rebuild when navigating desire discrepancy.

What Is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire discrepancy is one of the most frequent things people come into sex and couples therapy for. It's exactly what it sounds like — a discrepancy between the amount of desire one partner has versus the other. Maybe one person wants to have sex every day and the other wants it once a month or less.

In sex therapy, we're trying to understand the cycle that's happening. What is the pursuer-withdrawal dynamic, and how do people in the relationship react to an invitation or a rejection? How does it feel to pursue a partner knowing you might not be received the way you'd hope? And for the person withdrawing — how can they stay in connection and affirm their partner without self-abandoning or having more sexual contact than they actually want?

Often what happens is either a culture of constant rejection because sex has become something super loaded and heavy to approach, or one person tries to be sexual more often than they want to — and that registers as self-abandonment and a lack of attunement to their own consent cues. That builds resentment.

Getting to the Root: What Are You Actually Asking For?

So we want to understand: what is actually being asked for? Are you asking for sex because you want an orgasm? Because you're feeling lonely and want connection? Or because you find your partner attractive and want that specific erotic exchange with them? Understanding what each person actually wants gives us a clearer picture of what we're saying yes and no to.

For the lower desire person, we want to understand what they do have capacity for. They may be saying no to sex but yes to cuddling, or yes to an intimate conversation. We're trying to meet the needs underlying sexuality without requiring anybody to do more than they're comfortable with.

Desire Discrepancy Solutions: It's Not About Compatibility

And desire discrepancy is not a personal issue — it's a systemic one. Low desire gets impacted by anxiety, cortisol, how stressful your job is, the pressures of capitalism, whether you have responsive or spontaneous desire. There are a lot of factors beyond just "we're not compatible."

That's what people get most worried about — if we don't want sex the same amount, maybe we're fundamentally incompatible. But we don't apply that logic to other things. We readily understand that one person might want hamburgers every day and one prefers a salad, and we call that a difference in taste. We understand that one person wants to spend every weekend with friends and the other wants to stay home. People don't tend to personalize those differences the way they personalize sexual desire discrepancy. And it doesn't have to be as loaded as it can be.

Ready to Talk About It With a Sex and Relationship Therapist?

If desire discrepancy is showing up in your relationship, you don't have to keep navigating it alone. Schedule a free consultation and let's figure out what's actually going on.

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